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Escorts, sex workers, and a range of other high-profile individuals have already caused a stir in the media recently with suggestions about the hookup culture facing a stigma that it has long been lacking. In a world which can certainly be deemed ‘sexist’, a culture where men dominate the world of hooking up and women are fearful, or in the case of men, at least insecure about their sexuality, it is very easy to view casual sex as ‘inappropriate’ or ‘problematic’.
The truth is that casual sex is an enjoyable, pleasurable and normal part of sexual activity for a vast majority of people. Your sex life is a complex combination of factors, one of which is casual sex. By embracing this part of your sex life, you can reap the benefits of the expression of your sexuality and be safer, healthier and more confident.
In her book, Emba argues that the common view of heterosexual sex is one of a relationship, and that “Anybody who ever speaks about a ‘one-night stand’ is really talking about getting a date. And to be frank, it’s a rarity for people to do that with each other.”
And yet in a society where casual sex is the norm, one is always expected to have the initiative of initiating the act – not just in the context of sex, but with everything else in life too. Instead of taking a more cautious route, you have to come out of your shell and be all to the fore.
So why aren’t you dating? Not because it’s inappropriate, but because you don’t feel like it, a common complaint. If you’re really honest, you may even say something like, “I’ll have a grand time if you want to, but I’d actually rather not.”
What casual sex experts have to say
Caitlin McNally, the author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex for Teens and Sex Smart: A Crash Course on the Evolution and Science of Human Sexuality, said that hooking up is normal — and about as simple as you can get.
“If you think about it for a second, it’s really just two people getting naked or having sex together,” she says. “You don’t need a romantic relationship to do that, but it can be really empowering and fun to have sex with someone you don’t have to fear or care about and who you really like.
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The casual-sex movement of recent years has ushered in a barrage of new questions about sex. But one of the biggest questions remains: Is casual sex good for you? Well, good or bad, casual sex has been around for thousands of years — it’s actually a relatively new social trend, created only a few decades ago, and a new way of relating to sex. So as long as you learn about sex and take precautions as much as possible, you can be just fine.
You’ve got options, and they may be very different depending on how you define “casual.” Do you think of casual sex as more intimate relationships with no commitment? To avoid pregnancy? With love? Or do you think of casual sex as never having sex at all? You may need to decide if, as Adrienne La France suggested on Bustle, “some types of sexual interaction and sex are more wholesome than others.” There are a lot of expectations for yourself, and a casual lifestyle can help keep all of those expectations in check.
How do people approach casual sex differently?
Sex columnist Dan Savage argues that the casual-sex world can be a “regrettably idealistic” one, but he also argues that it’s better to indulge than to say “no” to sex.
“So that means that a lot of people who are avoiding sex are not avoiding sex because they’re scared that it’s going to hurt,” Savage said. “They’re avoiding sex because they’re trying to avoid hurt feelings, or because they’re trying to avoid rejection, or because they think that they’re not good enough.”
You don’t have to like casual sex, but you do have to have some understanding of what you’re getting into. New York Times journalist Hannah Brown writes about how “the pressure to categorize sex as casual and commitment-free — or meaningful and worthy of love — can push people away from a truly intimate connection with each other.” She suggests that casual sex makes people “think of [sex] as something that’s all about you and no one else.”
Looking forward, casual sex means more than making a choice — it means pushing boundaries and breaking rules. But it also means a lighter load on the emotional side of the bed. It’s also, as Liz Plank observed in the Atlantic, less exciting than feeling like you’re risking, or at least aware of, consequences. It’s taking a big leap in one small moment — so big that your life will be changed in one, unexpected way
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